You Lost Me
by LondonGirl101
Summary: "The last thing you said. Tell me the last thing you said to me before I died." Suddenly, my throat feels thick. I barely whisper the words out to her. "I love you, Kate." Castle's POV. My thoughts on what will happen after Knockout, 3x24.


**You Lost Me**

_Summery:_ _"The last thing you said. Tell me the last thing you said before I died." Suddenly, my throat feels thick. I barely whisper the words out to her. "I love you, Kate." Castle's POV. My thoughts on what will happen after Knockout, 3x24. Alternative fourth season. _

* * *

><p>Half a year later, and she still didn't remember who I was. Who I had been to her.<p>

Yes, she knew my name was Richard Castle. Yes, she was fully aware that I had been her partner for over three years. But, she couldn't remember the details. Now, instead of making snide remarks, and making fun of me, she laughed with me. She thought I was funny, and showed it. Again, I had gained her trust, but this time it had only taken a few weeks of us working together.

This woman... this woman whom I had been shadowing, trying to get to open up to me for three years, was gone. Now, she had nothing to hide. She couldn't even remember her own mothers death. I remembered telling her. Saying that she had been murdered. Her response was nothing like the Kate Beckett I knew.

"Oh. That's horrible."

That's all she had said. She hadn't even shed a tear.

This was not the woman I had fallen in love with. I missed her. I remembered going home one night, crying because even thought Beckett was their physically... it wasn't the Beckett I knew and loved. I was falling apart every minute of the day because of her. This time, for a different reason.

Words could not explain the depths of pain I felt. Of regret. So much regret.

I look at her now, working at her desk, and wish that had told her I loved her sooner. Then, she might've remembered. At least I would've had time with her the way I had always wanted to.

"_Kate. I love you. I love you, Kate."_

She couldn't remember.

She called me Rick. Not Castle.

That literary tore me apart. To her, I had always been Castle. The guy who loved solving murders, and catching bad guys. Castle had been the guy who she had trusted and cared about. She had only called me Rick when she had been pissed off at me. When we were fighting. I hated it when she had called me Rick. Rick was the man who loved to party and be wild. Who loved the fame and money and all the glory. Castle was the good guy. Rick was the bad ass kid. Now, she didn't know the difference.

I remember last night when she had been finishing up some paperwork. All of a sudden, she had looked up at me, puzzlement on her face.

"What?" I had asked.

"Always." She responded lightly. "I remember something connected with that..."

Hope. I still had a chance.

Later, when we had been leaving, she gave me another reason to still be looking for hope.

"Thank you, Rick. For helping."

"Always."

She stares at me for a few moments. Her forehead creased as she looks at me, confusion written all over face. But her eyes...

"Always..." She repeats. She looks down at the ground, then back up at me. "It was you who said it."

"Multiple times."

Then, her arms come around me, her head pressed against my chest. After the shock of her hugging me, I hug back. My arms come around her, and I inhale the smell of her cherry flavored hair.

Her voice is muffled from her mouth being pressed against my shirt. "That's the first thing... The first thing I remember."

My smile had never been larger. Tears blurred up my vision, and I had threaded my fingers through her curly hair. "I'm glad you finally remember something."

She looked up at me, and bit her bottom lip. "I'm off square one now, right?"

"Right."

"Thank you." She repeats.

"Always."

One word I know I can have faith in. After six months, I look in her eyes and see it.

The look that I know only my Kate Beckett can have.

Weeks later, we are walking in Central Park on Sunday night, and she is laughing at a joke I have told her. Her smile makes me smile. It makes me ache for her.

"Are you sure I never liked having you around?" Beckett asked still laughing.

I shrugged. "I'm sure you just didn't show it. You - You never really showed that much emotion. You hid it a lot. Especially when we first met."

"Oh," Beckett responded. "That's too bad. You're a really great guy."

I swallow hard at her words knowing that if she hadn't lost her memory, she never would've said that to me. At least not directly, or without blushing or something. Tears pricked in my eyes, and Beckett stopped in her tracks, grabbing my arm.

"Rick? What it is? What's a matter? Are you okay?" She asked gently. Her hand came up to the side of my face, and she wiped away the tear that fell down it.

My hand grabbed hers, and I attempted a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine."

I started to walk again, and her hand still held onto mine. I heard her mumble something under her breath.

"Liar."

I looked over at her, and the old Beckett glared playfully at me, a small smile at the corner of her mouth. Again, I had hope that she would come back to me. Someday.

Four days later we have finished up a case, and me, Ryan, Esposito, and Beckett are all going to head over to the Old Haunt. The four of us are one of the last people at the precinct, and Ryan and Esposito leave before me and Beckett do.

"So, the Old Haunt? You own that bar?" Beckett asks me. She is putting on the finishing touches to her paperwork.

"Yeah, I bought it last year." I say.

"Why?"

"Uh... memories." That's all I can say.

She just nods her head, and gets up, grabbing her jacket. Once we get there, Beckett stops suddenly at the top of the steps.

I stare at her. "What's wrong."

It's a long time before she responses. Her voice is distant. "Pop one more." She says.

My eyes go wide, and my mouth opens slightly.

She looks up at me, and smiles. "You told me to 'Pop one more, just in case.' Didn't you?"

I am speechless. "I-yes. Yes, I did."

Beckett laughs. "Were we undercover? Or did you have a thing for me?"

"Both."

Beckett snorts. "Well, I must've had a thing for you, too because I listened."

Again, I can hardly speak. "I- you were just teasing me."

Beckett rolls her eyes. "Yeah right." And before I can say anything else, she pops one of the buttons on her shirt, and smirks at me before walking down the stairs.

The deja vu is unreal.

Later, it is around midnight, and I am showing Beckett around the office downstairs. She walks around the room, observing it carefully. She stops at the bookshelf, and I hold my breath. Her fingers lightly trace over the book spines, and I slowly walk up behind her. Her face is distant, and suddenly she drops her hand.

"What do you see?" I whisper.

She shakes her head. "I don't know. I–" She stops and turns around.

I haven't been this close to her since the night Montgomery died. She wears the same sad expression I see on her every time she is concerned. Her eyes seek mine, and my breath quickens. Her hand comes up to trace the outline of my jaw and the bottom of my chin. Before I know what is happening, she is kissing me full on the mouth. And I kiss her back.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, a voice is telling me that I should _not_ be responding to this. But, after three years of wanting her, that voice isn't too loud. In fact, when her hands come in my hair, and she presses her body closer to mine, it goes away completely. My arms come around her waist, and I groan in the back of my throat. When her tongue traces my bottom lip, I open my mouth to hers, and she enters.

Soon, I have her pressed up against the bookshelf, and her hands push my jacket off onto the floor. My mouth goes down to her neck, and I lightly tug on her exposed skin. She moans in my ear 'don't stop...' and her fingers dig into my shoulders with such force, that I know I am lost. I bring my mouth back up to hers, and she kisses me, her fingers working on the buttons on my shirt.

"Do you have a bed down here?" She asks breathlessly in between kisses.

_You should not be doing this. You should not be doing this... _"No, but I have a desk." _This is not your Kate Beckett. Stop! Stop right now! You know if she ever really does come back to you, you'll regret it. Do you want that to happen? Don't be neglected. Get out right now! STOP!_

With a sudden overwhelming force, I step back from her, my breathing hard. She looks up at me, she too is trying to catch her breath.

"What? Rick, what is it?"

_Rick. _

I couldn't.

"I'm sorry." I say. "But, I can't. I– I can't. I'm so sorry." I feel a tear make it's way down my face.

"Was it something I did?" She asks.

I shake my head. "No. It's not you. Trust me, it's... it's not you. You have no _idea_ how much I wanna make love to you. I just..."

"It's not _really_ me, is it?" She says. "I mean... You miss the old me. The once you use to know."

I nod. "I just– I don't wanna screw this up if you ever do get your memory back. You probably would've slapped me already."

She smiles lightly. "I wasn't very nice was I?"

I laugh. "Just protective of yourself... Around me..."

"What if I never remember anything again?"

I didn't have an answer for that.

Beckett had been taking therapy ever since she had woken up from her coma. Sometimes, I was aloud to come along with her. This was only because her therapist, Clementine, like to see us 'talk about our situations together.'

"Miss. Beckett, Mr. Castle. How are you two this afternoon?" Clementine asked.

"Good." I say.

"Tired." Beckett said.

"Did you two just finish a case?" Clementine asked sympathetically.

Beckett shook her head. "We're working on one."

"What does it have to deal with?"

Beckett bit her bottom lip for a second. "Sex, I guess. I mean, I'm so am sick and tired of this whole love triangle fandom. So sick, I'm hoping one of them is the murder." She paused. "Also, it got me thinking..."

"About what?" Clementine asked.

"Ever since I broke up with..." Beckett looked over at me. "What was his name again?"

"Josh." I say.

Beckett nods. "Yeah, Josh. I just thought, wow... I haven't had sex for more than half a year. That's a really long time."

I see Clementine trying, unsuccessfully, to hide her smile. "Have you met anyone new?"

Beckett shakes her head. "No. But, here's the thing. We," She says gesturing to the two of us. "were gonna to have sex."

Clementine let out a little squeak. "What? When? What stopped you?"

My mouth hung open. "Kate, I don't think–"

But she went on anyway. She told the whole story to Clementine, who, in the end ,looked like she was about to cry.

"That is the saddest story I have ever heard in my entire life." Clementine said, dabbing her eyes with the end of a napkin. "You two have a lot of things to think about." She turned to me. "Especially you, Mr. Castle. What if she really doesn't ever get her memory back? Are you really going to risk your whole life without taking the risk of being with her? Think about it."

I look over at Beckett who is staring at me, a sad expression on her face. I don't know what to think.

That night, I drive over to her apartment. When she answers the door, I pull her towards me without giving myself a second to over think anything. Without giving her a chance to speak. My mouth crashes onto hers, and this time when we kiss, there is fear, and desperation, and built up heat finally being released. I want to have her. I want to have all of her. But I know, it would never be the same.

When I pull back, we are both breathless, and my fingers trace the side of her face.

"I've been thinking..." I start.

She smiles sadly. "But, you're still not sure."

I cannot even drop her gaze.

This time, she pulls back. "I don't want you to do something you'll regret in the morning, Rick."

_Rick._ That is always my constant reminder.

"I'm sorry."

Never in my life have I ever wanted her so bad as I had that very night.

"Do you want to stay?" She asks.

I shake my head. "No, I don't think that's a good idea."

She nods. "Yeah. Last time we had just kissed... Think if we have sex better than _that_ felt."

"Not helping out, Kate."

She blushes. "Right, sorry. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Yeah, see you."

As it would turn out, I didn't get any sleep that night. Clementine's words kept echoing through my head.

"_What if she really doesn't ever get her memory back? Are you really going to risk your whole life without taking the risk of being with her? Think about it." _

Maybe I needed my own therapist too. Probably had ever since last year. I thought about how Beckett had just immediately told Clementine exactly what she was thinking. No way in hell would she ever had said anything to her last year. I chuckled lightly at the thought of her and Clementine having what could be called a staring contest.

Gosh, I missed her.

"_Yeah. Last time we had just kissed... Think if we have sex better than that felt."_

I groaned, my lower half responding just from thinking about that. Never in my life would I ever had imagined that I would've turned her down to sex when she offered. Twice, really.

"What is wrong with me?"

I knew exactly what was wrong with me. I didn't want to except it.

The next day I am literally going into hysteria. So much, that Beckett pulls me into an empty room, asking me what's wrong.

"It's nothing."

She frowns. "You've been saying that a lot lately."

"I'm sorry."

"You've been saying that a lot lately, too."

I rub my eyes, and try to remember how to breath. She gently rubs my back.

"Tell me," She says.

I look at her. "I'm so confused... You know, I've wanted to be with you for so long, Kate. And when the opportunity comes, I'm saying no. Never in my entire life would I had said no to you."

She shakes her head. "It's my fault."

"What? No, Kate, listen–"

"No." She says. "_It's my fault_. If I wasn't like this, we would be together. If I remembered, nothing would've stopped us... I'm sure of it."

I pull her into a hug, and she clings onto my jacket. Her face is buried in the crook of my neck, and I kiss the top of her head.

"It's all my fault." She whispers.

"No. It's not. It's that son of a bitches fault who shot you."

She stays silent for awhile, and I rub her back gently. When she pulls back, she stares at me, tears in her eyes.

I know to keep silent.

"The last thing you said. Tell me the last thing you said before I died."

Suddenly, my throat feels thick. I barely whisper the words out to her.

"I love you, Kate."

Her eyes drift off mine, and she looks around aimlessly. Then they close and stay shut for a moment. It was a good thing that I was holding her, because I'm almost positive that her knees give out beneath her, and I am holding her up. She lets out a gasp, and for a moment, I am paralyzed. Her eyes open back up, and she looks at me. Her fingers find the side of my face and slowly, a smile forms on her lips.

"Castle..."

She remembers.

As soon as my brain processes this, I am grinning back, and before I know myself what I am doing, I kiss her. And she wastes no time kissing me back.

This is the moment I've been waiting for.

This is my Kate Beckett. The Kate Beckett I have needed for so long now.

_Castle._

That is my constant reminder.

* * *

><p><em>Alright guys, I hope you liked that. I was re-watching Knockout last night, and was thinking about all of the possible scenarios that could happen. One of them, which I thought would be really cool, (But, also heartbreaking for Castle) would be for Beckett to lose her memory. It's probably not going to happen, but this is what fanfiction is for, right? If you liked it, please review! Also, those of you who are reading The Night The Lights Went Out, sorry for the delay. <em>


End file.
